Dating Tips
For Men

Using Trust To Approach Her

July 15, 2016
▪ 4 mins read

In Harriet I trust!

Hey guys, and welcome back to my attraction HQ podcast. My name is Hayley Quinn and I am teaching dating and love. If you want a high-quality woman, if you want to understand connect with women better, you want to approach them in a way that's ethical while you're in the right place- this is about as far away from dodgy pickup material as we can get. And it's to help you get on the right track with the women in your life. I'm joined by speaker and coach Harriet Whaley-Cohen.


Hello, it's lovely to be here again, Hayley.


So number three, and we get Harriet back because she speaks so much sense. What we were talking about today is how women want to be approached, we're having a chat, both real life, and online.


The online dating world! Who hasn't had a dodgy approach on the online world, my God, they get as dodgy as you like, right?


So you're gonna head up online, I don't do it. I meet people in real life- I can talk to you about that. I've had some interesting examples of successful real-life approaches recently. So when you're finding online, what would you say are the kind of the messages that you don't like- first message wise, what kills attraction for you.


The first message wise, for me, I won't see that the person has put a little bit more effort and thought into it and has actually read my profile. Even though I know you know, a lot of the apps that you put on your phone, you don't get to write much of a profile. But I still want something more than Hi.

I still want something more than you great pics, which is another way of saying you look hot, right? Something that comes from the heart, that's not too light-hearted or too serious. Something that's had a bit of thought. And that's individual about it as well.

I mean, a girlfriend of mine is on a different dating site. And she said that so many guys copied and pasted their initial approach to 20 different women and seeing who bites. She said from some of them, once a week, she'll get the same Hello message. I mean, that is a massive turnoff.


So here's the thing, if you want to do the mass market, and you're actually not that bothered and thinking: I want to see if someone is up for having sex. To me, that's the a-okay approach. If you want to find a super high-quality woman is going to respond to engage in relationships- bad approach. Because the intelligent woman will look at that and go, that's a cotton-based, isn't it?

Here's what you can do as a compromise because I know that like online dating for both men and women could be like this laborious, horrendous thing. Even if you have some rough template ideas about things that you want to say, at least read her profile. Slot in a quirky detail that she likes from the profile. This way you can show that you've actually latched on to the thing that's most unique about her. Also think about it this way, right?

Be the 1%

If 99% of men are going to approach her by saying nice pics, or Hey- you want to be in the 1%, right? Because you want to stand out and you want her to think Oh, actually who is this guy? For you to stand out and be in the 1% you have to send us something that not everybody else is sending to us.

So that's why I would avoid the looks and say go on to a profile and think okay, what's the quirkiest detail that she's put. Think about what of her personality is coming through and how she's written stuff? Is it that she says that she's a bit lazy. Pick up on the quality that she has not written anything which (naughty her) women should always write an online dating actual profile and not rely on their pictures.

You can look actually what's in her photos, you know, she with a friend and she's smiling, is she looking outgoing. Try and find a quality and reward her on that say I like how you seem blah, blah, blah. And the reason that will work is that she'll feel this much deeper level of validation. And actually, it's much more specific and personal by the fact that you've spent that time relating to her.


Yeah, I mean, for example, there was someone that I approached at one point who, who said that they loved cocktails. And so the opening line I put was, what's your favourite cocktail bar? These are my two favourites. These are why. This is what I love about them. And we had a good conversation back.

And someone who approached me and I will put quirky bits on there. Like I love to watch TED Talks. And someone who comes to me and says, This is my favourite TED talk. This is why I love it. Have you seen it? What's your favourite one? That kind of thing where it's personal and sharing back a relevant detail.

The number one turnoff to any decent woman is to open with an insult or a dick. Never point out a spelling mistake. Never point out something that seems inconsistent, if you're trying to attract someone who loves to be criticised and put down and you want to set yourself up for an unhealthy relationship. That's an awesome first step. Because you're listening to this. That's not what you want. And that's not how you want to portray yourself, right.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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