closure

Why there’s no such thing as closure

Disrupting your ideas of love, sex, dating, and relationships

 

On my latest LOVE HQ episode, I talk to Ralph Sutton from The SDR Show about why you never get closure. Now, this podcast is so awesome, and I’m so excited to have this guest on today. I’m using it for both the men and the women’s version. Today everyone’s getting lumped with the same thing.

 

The Interview

Hayley

Now, The SDR Show for the uninitiated, I really would recommend you check it out. It is outrageous. I need more stuff like it on this podcast. It stands for sex, drugs and rock and roll, all of which are represented within the podcast.

 

Ralph

Very, very truthfully as well. Abundantly.

 

Hayley

What I liked about sex, drugs and rock’n’roll- this is my favourite bit of the whole show. And I might like just semi steal it now, is at the end of it. You asked the same things you always do. And that’s the first time experiences with sex drugs and concerts. That’s drugs and rock and roll. I thought that was so amazing because a lot of the time people don’t talk openly about their first bridging into adulthood experiences. What made you decide to develop the show around that theme and can you tell people a bit more about your background?

 

Ralph

Okay, so I still start with my background. It’s a very weird background. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York. I was a breakdancer in a breakdancing movie, which is hard to believe looking at me right now, a movie called Krush Groove, which is hilarious.

And then I made a weird transition into computers and computer hacking. And I was wanted by the FBI at 16, which is crazy. Then I started getting into running rock clubs. I did that for a long time as a promoter for nightclubs and rock clubs and then became a strip club DJ for a long time. Ran a French restaurant for five years.

I mean look, I’m old so I have a lot of life experience. I’ve been doing radio for 10 years where I have a nationally syndicated rock radio show. It’s on about 50 stations from Maine to Hawaii called The Tour Bus and that’s been on the air about 10 years. Predominantly 80’s Rock but New Rock as well. I hosted a lot of rock concerts and festivals. That’s how the SDR Show started- with me hosting a couple of rock events.  

I met the comedian Big Jay Oakerson, who pitched the idea of us doing a show together as a podcast. And I thought podcasting is for people that can’t do radio, and I’m already on the radio so why are you bothering me? But I started reading about how much podcasts are becoming important? So I picked the idea of SDR because it was going to be a morning show that I was going to do years ago. So I already had the URL, the imaging, the graphic, and we just started it. And that’s how it started. The first thing came on our first episode, I said, Let’s tell our stories. Just Jay and I in the first episode. Let’s tell the first sex, drugs and rock’n’roll experience. And then Jay said we should ask that the guest every week because it’s so interesting, and that’s how it came about. That’s the long-winded answer.

 

Hayley

That’s not long-winded. I’m like a French restaurant, computer hacking? You know what? I’ve done a lot of weird careers as well I have to say. I’ve been everything from an antique dealer, dishwasher to fitness model back in the days.

I also had some run-ins with the rock music industry in the UK. I’ve gone through this period of time where I’ve just I solely dated musicians.

The first one, I think this was actually my true first concert experience. He was a kind of relatively minor drum and base electro DJ, but I was really into that niche music at the time. When I was like 18 years old, my then-boyfriend took me to his DJ set, I pushed my way to the front of the crowd jumped around, and he hid his phone number on a credit card, and I put it into my bra. And then I ended up dating my favourite DJ for five years. But I have to say for DJ, he was the most straight-laced person I’ve ever met.

And then I springboarded off of that and ended up dating a son of one of the Status Quo members. My last guy was in the rock music industry. So basically, I’ve had my fair share of musicians.

[…]

 

Commitment & closure

 

Hayley

Every time I’d heard someone say, He’s the perfect guy, but he just won’t commit, I wonder what’s his level of emotional commitment and if he will, if someone wants the same relationship model as you whether it’s a commitment or not, or any of the grey areas in between, that is one of the most important components that you need to have in common. So if you do not have that in common, he’s definitely not the perfect guy for you. That’s a big mismatch. And then it’s the grace is to let it go. There’s going to be a real clash.

 

Ralph

There’s a very famous quote, I forgot who said it, but it’s such an accurate statement. Everything before the but is meaningless. So he’s great. He’s amazing. He’s awesome. But, and then the truth comes out, he doesn’t want to commit, he, whatever. So it’s really getting rid of that first part of the statement and just go with what comes after the but.

 

Hayley

I like that! Take ownership of it. So if we’re gonna flip this around, and because we spoke a little bit of advice for women there about laying your cards on the table. You can literally say, I have to be honest. If I’m with someone, and I’m with it, so I find that when somebody else that would really hurt me and I just don’t want to even open up that kind of work, or get into that kind of discussion or argument. You can then be clear, objective- cut and dry. And then the neck, the real neck is letting it go if it doesn’t work out and not being too attached to a particular outcome with a particular person.

 

For the rest of the interview click on the link below or go to my Hayley Quinn Club to get access to all the podcast episodes!

Hayley Quinn

Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. She has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers.

She is the spokesperson for Match, the biggest online dating platform in the world. She has been featured on BBC1, Sky and Channel 4 and is a regular columnist for Cosmopolitan and contributor to yahoo!style.

Phone: +447517915854
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