Dating Tips
For Men

You don't have to conform to being an 'alpha male'

October 3, 2015
▪ 4 mins read

Being an alpha male, a chest-beating one

Conventional dating advice teaches men how to approach the girl, how to be sexier. Or how to appear more attractive to women. Today I want to talk to you about feeling attractive in yourself. Truth is, I’m often aggravated by the pressure for men out there to conform to being an alpha male.

I’m guessing it isn’t news to you that men experience a lot of pressure to live up to an `alpha male stereotype’. In the society in general and in conventional dating advice, we have this attitude of how men `should be’. But this doesn’t resonate with how most men feel. As a result, they might end up thinking that they should be less of their true selves. Or only prove the attributes that are in line with that stereotype.

How to be attractive to women

If you are that person, that’s fine! But, lots of people might not identify with that. They might actually feel like they’re not built to be attractive to women. If you’ve thought "Oh Gosh, I wasn’t born in a way that is attractive to women.", you’re in the right place!

What I want to tell you is how you can be in line with your true self. About how you can own that. I want to help you understand that there isn’t one way of how a man should be. Or one way to be attractive and sexy. I want to help you escape this `performance mindset’ which is making you project a fake image to women.

In this podcast episode, Rosie Allen joins me to help you reset and refocus on finding who you are on a deep level. Here are a set of steps that she talked about! Rosie is a campaigner and coach.

Step #1: Self-awareness is key!

Right now you might be in a mental state of feeling unattractive and like you’re not good with women. The biggest thing that you can do is, to be honest with yourself.

Now, wait! That doesn’t mean thinking and accepting that "Oh, I’m not good looking". Because that’s not you being honest. Being honest means realising that you actually don’t feel good-looking.

Honesty is also a value that makes you very attractive.When a man is struggling with his feelings, the first automatic response is to put on this facade of over-confidence. If you’re projecting a false image of yourself, someone only interested in the image you’re projecting will show interest in you.

This might be a sign that she is now interested in you for the right reasons. Instead, take a step back and be honest. Chances are you will attract someone who is better suited for you and understands the phase that you are in right now!

Step #2: Get in control of that negative self-talk!

You can read this blog and feel inspired, but then, if you go away and negative thoughts take over everything that is good and positive in your life will feel like a drop in the ocean.

Therefore, the next step to becoming your attractive self is to get in control of these negative thoughts! If you have done the first step and identified aspects of your life, personality or appearance that are making you feel like you’re not good enough, it’s time to now adjust these thoughts and acknowledge them as part of how you see the world.

Gender stereotypes and the way that we expect the typical man or woman to be, are there because they over-simplify human interactions. It’s easy to think that you’re not attracting the right women because "Well, I’m not 6 foot 3" because this thought is a drastically over-simplified understanding of the situation. What I am trying to say is that there do not exist a set of boxes that you must tick in order to get her phone number!

Step #3: Checking in with yourself constantly!

Think about what your intentions are behind your actions. Are you doing this because of who you are or acting out of fear?

It is easy to slip into a role that you think will lead to the most successful approaches. However, women are not robots and dating is not a computer game that you’re supposed to win! In fact, you’re not supposed to connect with everyone you meet. There will be people that you connect with brilliantly and others that you can’t get on with and that’s okay! Dating is not like a vending machine that if you press the right buttons, then treats will come out.

So, if you are choosing to approach a woman in a way that is perhaps media-constructed, check-in why you’re actually doing that. Is it because you’re being true to yourself? Or is it because you’re scared that if you were to act in a way that is truly representative of who you are, then they will reject you?

You’ll know if you’re suffering from this problem if you’re someone who has perhaps read a lot of dating advice, really doesn’t identify with it, struggles to implement it and feels actually awkward, creepy and disrespectful when doing it.

Therefore, the best thing that you can do is ditch it because that’s what is holding you back!

Join Confidence Club today to learn more about how to date without being an alpha male!

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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