I had a female client who is lovely, radiant, smart, had her life together but... she would never get to date number 2 or would find that consistently, guys who took her number would never call. So, I realized that we needed to make her have more impact! The impact is when somebody remembers who you are and is inspired to get in touch (and wouldn’t that be a great skill to have when it comes to dating?)
A good friend of mine & founder of `Your Charisma Coach’, Marcus Oakey, joined me in my podcast episode to discuss social skills and how to improve them.
Interview with Marcus Oakey
He says that"it comes down to making that impact- that memorable impression. There are some things that you can do to create that, but also some things to avoid which will cancel that out"
He observes that "in school, we are taught how to read, we are taught how to write, how to speak... we are not taught how to listen." In his opinion, being a fantastic listener sets you apart.
If you’re thinking "But Hayley, hang on a minute! I already AM a great listener. I’m listening and I’m nodding and I’m asking them questions..."
Well, according to Marcus, there are things you can do to maximise the impact your listening skills have.
So here are some techniques he suggested:
Technique 1: Visualise what they’re saying to you.
As they’re talking to you (about their job or where they want to go for a holiday) visualise that in your mind. By doing this, your imagination will create new things to talk about that subject!
It’s really good to be able to put things together in your mind very quickly. How to enhance this?
Technique 2: Breath!
According to Marcus, our breathing sets our conversation rhythm. Most people know this, but they don’t do it.
He suggests getting into the habit of keeping your breathing consistent! At certain times, we hold our breath without realising we are doing it. The skill is to be aware of your breathing and keeping a consistent flow.
What does this have to do with charisma you ask? Well, the effect of this is that when you’re talking to someone, you have a lot more thinking time because your rhythm is slow. When you’re on a date with a person you care about, your body’s automatic response will be to speed up your breathing and your heart rate, so you need to reverse that effect. This will help you return to your natural state, and allow you to listen, to think and to contribute to the conversation!
Technique 3: Acknowledge what the other person is saying!
A common way of doing that is nodding, or saying Uh-huh.
Well, another way of doing it is by repeating what the other person is saying. Before you think that "OMG that sounds so robotic!", Marcus demonstrated this by asking me where my next vacation would be:
Hayley: "I’m renting a cottage in Cornwall"
Marcus: "Renting a cottage in Cornwall... that sounds envious should I say, it sounds fantastic"
What he did was repeat what I said and then added a comment, showing that he was listening and taking it all in.
It’s so easy to slip into the habit of just smiling and nodding, but this is a much more active way to demonstrate to the other person that you’re enjoying getting to know them.
However, there’s also a bad way of doing this. Imagine if, in the previous example, Marcus had just said: "Cornwall... good."
What can anyone do with that?
Often when you’re not giving your true opinion in something, it’s because of a fear of being judged. Part of having charisma is being able to let this go! I think that men are very attracted women who are comfortable stepping into their feminine energy and space. This is very connected to being expressive and offering opinions that might be emotionally charged, are story-based and have anecdotes about experiences in your life.
For example, a good response could be "Oh Cornwall... Aways had this image in my mind of being like Catherine from Wuthering Heights and running across the cliffs. I would love that so much, that would be the most amazing adventure. I am so jealous of you!"
By taking the time to put across what you’re thinking and painting that picture, you’re building a stronger connection with him!
If you’re not yet comfortable with that, a great phrase (that Marcus also loves) is: "Tell me more..."!
Men love approval like women love attention! So, by saying that, you’re rewarding him and you’re giving him the space to express himself.
Don’t forget that he’s nervous too, so giving him some approval will help him loosen up and feel comfortable with sharing more about his life!
So, if you want to impact on your dates, these are some things you need to think about:
- Creating vulnerability by being more open about yourself, more expressive and going visual!
- Letting him know that you’re intrigued by what he’s saying and that you’re finding him interesting. Men doubt so much whether you like them (all the time!), so some verbal approval will help him loosen up.
- Leave him with something that is a thinker! We fall in love with people in the beginning by creating a fantasy with people that intrigued us. Don’t tell me that you haven’t experienced that feeling when you’re going to bed and can’t stop thinking about someone you just met that interests you, creating pictures in your mind of what could happen in the future. So take a bit of a risk and have fun in the conversation, because once you go away, the conversation will play like a tape in his head!
Take ownership of what you want in your life and leave with impact!
If you would like to learn more about my work, feel free to book your session with me!