Dating Tips
For Men

How to end the small talk and be interesting

July 20, 2017
▪ 4 mins read

How to end small talk and be interesting

Let's end the small talk!

We all make assumptions about people from their appearance and behaviour. What sort of personalities and jobs they are likely to have. Social Psychologists term this `cognitive miser’. People make judgements based upon little information because of the sheer mental processes it would take to evaluate all the information that is available to us.  

Knowing yourself and what type of woman you are attracted to is key to building a connection. Some men prefer boisterous extroverted women. Other men are more attracted to quieter introverted women. Having this understanding of yourself in itself will help to end the small talk and be interesting by relating her personality to your own and what you find attractive.

Be observant

Being aware of what your strengths are and what you feel comfortable with, will help within the interactions. Parodying lame behaviour is a great way to make a lady laugh, "so let me test out my pick-up lines on you". If the person has an ounce of humour within them, they will automatically laugh. Go along with the lameness and ask if she’s enjoying it.  

It is important not to simply compliment her on her physical attractiveness, but to make an assumption based on her style or on an attribute. You may notice a piece of jewellery which she got abroad. It may be a place that you have been to and you can make it an emotional connection to that place discussing what you really enjoyed about it. If not, you can discuss other jewellery she may have and make assumptions about her and relate to positive traits she may have, such as creativity and exploring new places.  

Being more observant will also help to identify potential positive traits to which makes assumptions from. She may take time to perfect a task, which may mean she holds a position of responsibility. She may possess long slender fingers which may indicate a creative side to which she can be approached and assumptions made. Making a specific observation will liven up the conversation, it contributes to helping end the small talk and be interesting.

Avoiding question traps

It is important not to fall into the trap of simply asking mundane questions which she will likely hear all the time. Rather, look to evoke a response where she can give opinions to the assumptions and other comments that you may make about the environment that you are in which will help to end the small talk and be interesting to talk to.  

By observing her and her environment, you are likely to be able to make better assumptions about her. Your aim is to make specific assumptions about her personality and then relate it to your own personality. For example, you may make an assumption that she is a bit of a rebel based on her tattoo. You can then again playfully make an assumption about her, "my mum told me about girls like you".  

Cold reading can be a really effective way of taking someone’s interest. A simple way of doing this is to make positive contrasting points about a person. They are applicable to everyone and they make you seem much more intuitive than you are. "You have this really calm energy around you, but I feel like if you see something wrong with a situation you won’t be afraid to speak up." This works so well it can sometimes be disappointing. However, it's much more effective than small talk.

The importance of matching

Assumptions can be stacked up to build up the conversation. Women will enjoy that you have focused on her beyond her simple physical attractiveness. This will distinguish yourself from other guys and make her more responsive which will help end the small talk and be interesting. She will very likely enjoy talking about who she is as a person. Key phrases you may want to use are: you seem to like;I bet that you are;I imagine that.  

What you are looking to do is build rapport with her, by being curious about and taking a genuine interest in her and be willing to see the world from her perspective. Research by the University of California suggests that 55% of communication is through body language, 38% through the tonality of the voice and only 7% by the actual words spoken. This research illustrates the importance of matching.  

Rapport can be developed by matching her eye contact, breathing, posture and gestures. Also look to match her voice in terms of volume, speed and pauses. Matching is not the same as mimicry. Matching is done in a very subtle way, where the other person is unaware that you are matching their communication. Mimicry is simply copying everything that she does and will likely just anger her.

End the small talk- be different

You are aiming to build her curiosity about you by approaching the conversation in a different way from other guys and having dynamic interesting discussions, that illustrate your similarities and compatibility, by being open with her and relate to her assumptions which open up her mind to see you in a romantic way. If you can end the small talk and be interesting then this will automatically lead to more dates.  

So rather than putting pressure on yourself by approaching, go over with a mindset of trying your best to understand her and who she is as a person. Also, to let her know that you have seen and understood who she is as a person. If you do like her, you can relate to her and show her that you have a real connection together. If you can do that, getting her number is a lot easier, because you have had a good interaction.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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