Dating Tips
For Men

Stress-Free Dating: Remove the goal to achieve it!

September 12, 2012
▪ 2 mins read

Today was supposed to be the day!

You gave yourself the pep talk and decided to have a stress-free dating approach. You were going to approach women all day on the street, then walk right out of that bar with at least...10 phone numbers! This was the day it was all supposed to change.

So what went wrong?

Paradoxical intention

To trull have stress-free dating experience you need to stop aiming for a goal that is so specific. You should not wind up psyching yourself out, rather than building yourself up. The key to successful dating is removing the stress from dating.

Tons of people will tell you the same, in every area of your life - not just dating.

But why is this idea so important? Why does it make such a huge difference to your dating life when you quit aiming for goals and start just going out to enjoy yourself?

It's all to do with 'PARADOXICAL INTENTIONS' - BIG PHRASE but an important one.

A paradoxical intention is when:

1. You FEAR failure so much that it dominates your mind...and causes you to fail.

2. Your single-minded focus creates a BURDEN OF EXPECTATION on you- so that you can't enjoy the moment or succeed.

It's why, when you want to achieve something, you so often find that you just can't do it.

Blame this for flunked exams, goofing up in front of that girl you liked or not being able to sing as well on stage as you can in the shower!

How do you solve it? Simple. Sometimes you just have to DITCH THE GOAL and aim to do the complete opposite.

Here are 2 simple ways you can put this into practice TODAY

1. Recognise what you FEAR... and get comfortable with it. Worried about stumbling over your lines when you approach a woman? 'Own up' to fumbling your words if you don't come across as suave as you would like:

"Ok that just went a lot more smoothly in my head, let's start over with this conversation, my name is...."

2. Drop you BURDEN OF EXPECTATION. Stop piling targets on yourself and trying to motivate yourself with the FEAR of not reaching your goals. Instead, be kind to yourself and let things flow.

Don't think: I've got to get her number. Do think: I'm going to go chat to her and see what happens.

Removing the goal removes the pressure, and the second you give yourself a break - good things will happen!

Suddenly, approaching that woman will not only seem manageable it will start to feel enjoyable.

All training with myself and my team is focused on this goal: making you feel happy and supported during your time with us. If you'd like to learn more about stress-free dating, check out my dating success package.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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