Dating Tips
For Men

4 Times When *NOT* Being An Alpha Male Helps Your Dating Life

October 31, 2017
▪ 4 mins read

Here are my 4 ways where not being an alpha male will help you survive and thrive in the dating game.

The Alpha-Sometimes you might not want to be one

It is a lot of pressure to be an alpha male 24/7. Making all the decisions in your relationship? Asserting yourself when other guys try to `muscle in’? Not feeling like you can ask for help from her?

No doubt there are times when `leading’, being `assertive’ and `confident’ can be attractive when you’re meeting and dating women. But it is unnatural to need, or try, to be in control or in charge 24/7. In fact, there are many behaviours that are not `alpha male’ that can be sexy and (more importantly) vital to building a relationship with a woman.

I know this `alpha male’ message has got some guys confused - there is so much pick up and dating advice dedicated to saying you need to LEAD LEAD LEAD that there isn’t much space to look into other qualities that are equally helpful for successful dating. I was working with a dating coaching client yesterday who wasn’t sure whether he could ask his girlfriend for support in case it came across an `unmanly.’

The alpha male message is just too simplistic. Here are my 4 ways where not being an alpha male will help you survive and thrive in the dating game.

  1. Approachable body language.

Right now you may be put off saying hello to women you don’t know as you don’t want to come across as `harassing’ anyone - and you’re right to think that the first step to saying hello to a woman is to make sure she feels safe and to start to build trust. Take an attractive woman sitting reading in a coffee shop, if you march up to her with your chest puffed up, placing both hands on her table, and generally getting into her personal space you are not coming across as `alpha’ you would look like someone who has got Costa Coffee confused with a prehistoric cave.

Instead, you would want to show body language that clearly says, `hey I’m friendly and approachable.’ This would mean if she’s sat down and you’re stood up you would want to smile, dip your body language to appear smaller, and maybe give a little wave. Not alpha but effective.

  1. Being cool and relaxed when other guys approach the woman you’re talking to.

If you want to give off the vibe that you’re insecure and bothered by other guys confront them. If you want to be secure in her attraction to you then you would show how you’re unfazed by other guys approaching. By being neutral, not aggressive you demonstrate a lot more personal security.

  1. Co-creating plans.

As my Academy coach, Ash would suggest

"Ideas for a 2nd date would include things you are interested in or like that you could share with her. Which has you invite her into your world. Or equally combining that as well as something you know she likes too.

Dates/hangouts I like to do off the top of my head include:

Playing monopoly

Going out dancing

Having a takeaway and movie night

Going to the spa for a short session

Playing laser tag

Cooking for her

Cooking together

Carving pumpkins

Women will appreciate it if you listen to what kind of dates you think she’ll like, or try to think of a fun activity to share together. I know you might be thinking, `but Hayley don’t I have to lead?’ Let me show you the difference.

If it is the first time you’re meeting a clear plan may help her to feel secure to agree to the date: `How about grabbing a coffee to go then heading for a walk along the Thames? Westminster pier is a good start point...’

On a second date, you don’t want to seem like you just don’t care, `Whatcha up to? Wanna hang out?’ This will come across like you’re not invested in the dating process and will be a turn-off. Likewise though being too alpha / assertive will seem dogmatic: "Why don’t you come to mine instead tonight?"

Strike the middle ground by seeming that you care enough to suggest a plan but you’re open to communication and compromise: "How would you feel about pumpkin carving Thursday? I’ll pick us out a couple of good ones if you can make it to East London?"

Asking questions here is cool! Get some feedback from her and find a workable compromise.

  1. Saying when you are wrong.

Apart from the fact that constantly having to right sound exhausting, anyone (male or female) who can’t admit when they’ve messed something up is a huge red flag. Insisting your point isn’t `strong and determined’ and apologizing isn’t `weak’. If you say or do something that was a bad call show that vulnerability and be accountable. Say, `hey, I’m sorry it wasn’t my intention to offend you but I can see how that came across...’ this doesn’t make you `p*ssy whipped’ it means that you’re a mature adult person who can communicate.

No person should stick in a relationship that’s a dictatorship. And if you feel you have to perform for her to impress her constantly you’ll never get the opportunity to see that she really likes and accepts you as you are.

Be a modern man, not an alpha man.

Go out and represent the best of modern manhood and if you want to talk to me personally about this then check out my coaching page

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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