Dating Tips
For Men

Personal Kindness: Your Motivation to Approach Women

August 9, 2012
▪ 3 mins read

A positive mindset to approach dating as a man

Sometimes getting out of bed in the morning can be tough- let alone motivating yourself to approach women and try to get their number. Today I want to talk to you about personal kindness- your motivation to approach women! So how good are you at being kind to yourself?

Do you ever walk away from speaking to a woman and put yourself mentally through the wringer for it not going how you wanted?

Do you ever choose the harder road, to not care properly for yourself, because you're so used to feeling deprived?

Do you ever see the glass half empty and question why people are so rude to you?

Or are you the person being rude..? Getting cross with the person in front of you in the queue for taking AGES?


You need to work on personal kindness.

Personal kindness usually doesn't come as naturally to us as being kind to others. Knowing how to be kind to other people can just feel like having good manners, morals: being kind to yourself that can end up feeling like overindulgence, arrogance, pride...

It's not.

Being modest when you don't mean it is insincere. Criticizing yourself, without acknowledging the positives is biased. Putting your needs last makes you a doormat, not selfless.

Avoid this trap: work on how you can be kind to you. Because when you see the glass half full, when you're happy, you can accomplish ANYTHING ... especially a little thing like approaching a woman.

So here's what I want you to: read this scenario and the next time it happens to you, follow the thought patterns I've put down for you and see if you can start being kinder to yourself and feeling better about approaching.

You see a beautiful woman strolling down the street. You're terrified of everyone watching, and you have no idea what to say, but if you don't say hi now you never will. Heart pounding (and a little sweaty) you walk up to her and introduce yourself. She gives you a quizzical look and doesn't say anything. Stumped you fumble to asking her a bunch of questions you don't care about to keep her engaged. Her expression turns to disgust (no other word for it) and she walks off muttering, 'what a creep'.

Ok, so it didn't get perfectly.

Use this thinking when you feel like you might have failed at something.

  • Nothing in life ever goes perfectly.
  • Hey, at least you did it! You took action! You took a risk! You're alive! And already doing more than 90% of the population.
  • So you could have worked on making her feel more comfortable in the conversation, that sounds like a great goal to work on for next time.
  • But to give yourself credit your body language rocked.
  • For her to have reacted that badly to a stranger she must have either had a really bad day, or a really bad life. Happy people don't feel any need to unleash on strangers.
  • When she wrinkled her face up like that it was kind of funny...
  • This is going to make a great anecdote to tell my friends.
  • I have faith in myself.
  • I trust myself
  • In that case, I better go and approach again!


If you would like to chat with me about Personal Kindness then you can catch up with me at a number of speaking dates over the year in London.

Or if you live internationally then just drop me a line to say 'hi' and let me know your story!

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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