Dating Tips
For Men

Six Simple Steps to Sexy Strokes: Touch Women Effectively

November 2, 2011
▪ 4 mins read

Uncertain of when, where and how?

You know that you should be touching her (because how else are you going to signal that a kiss is coming?) but worried about overstepping the mark?

Then follow these 6 simple steps to sexy touches.

These are the kind of touches you want to be progressing through incrementally in order to take your interactions from so-so to sexy.

Before I kick off though please bare these basic principles in mind:

  • Real-life isn't a 'system': these touches are a guideline but cannot account for every interaction in real life.
  • In fact, the real key is calibration: some women will be more comfortable with being touched more quickly, others won't. In a night club, for instance, touch is going to feel a lot more appropriate than in a coffee shop.
  • If at any stage the girl appears tense/ uncomfortable/back away you're getting a NOT YET sign: so just drop the touch down to the level you were working at beforehand.
  • Keep touches split-second brief, to begin with, never look where you touch and stroke don't poke in the movement ;-)

1. Name: Opening touch

Touch: Use the back of your hand on their arm/shoulder

Reason: To get a person's full attention.

2. Name: Emotional touch

Touch: These would also be to the forearm/ shoulder but you could apply slightly more pressure or you could linger the touch for a second or two. You may also interchange to using the front, not the back, of your hand.

Reason: Secondary touches are often used at an emotional point in the interaction ie. when you're telling a story, teasing, saying something with a ! in it

3. Name: Teasing touches

Touch: Touches become a combination of light touches as in points 1 and 2; combined with gentle pushes to move the woman out of your proximity, and gently pulling on the shoulders/ backs of arms to bring the woman back towards you. These are relatively fast but playful and dominant. You're moving in and out of her proximity (pushing her away in a teasing manner, pulling her close).

Reason: To move towards checking how comfortable she is with you in her personal space. This often accompanies teasing and challenging her.

4. Name: Proximity Touching

Touch: You want to guide her into you instead of you leaning into her. You would do this by gently pulling at the back of her arm top of her shoulder or her forearm and guiding her into you.

You can use observation as an excuse to do this ie, 'I wonder where that door goes', 'check out that couple... the guy is flirting with that girl' etc

Reason: You want to check to see if she is comfortable with you talking into her ear ie. you want to see if she's ok with you being close enough to kiss her.

5. Name: Leading Touch

Touch: You need a reason for you to be alone with her- this should be about you though, NOT her.

ie. 'I'm thirsty let's go to the bar'

Then lead her gently by the forearm or hand. If she is unwilling to go with you, then you want to back off and give her her space, when you reach your destination. If you've moved towards the bar for example finish by turning away from her to position yourself side on to her.

However, if she seems warm and friendly and holds your hand/ lets herself be lead then you can lead her to a place that allows you to sit closer. Or in the bar scenario, you can stand facing one another (this is very intimate).

Reason: After you've checked if she's comfortable being close to you, you want to see if she's comfortable being alone with you. As unsurprisingly she probably won't want to kiss you if you're surrounded by loads of people.

6. Name: Kissing Touches

Touch: If you are sat closely together then you would now talk continually into her ear and add in extra sexier touches like stroking to the small of her back/ stroking her inside arm/ wrists whilst gradually moving in for the kiss. If you are stood up you can add in extra light touches like touching her on the hips, on the sides (this is very intimate) or pulling her into you using one hand on her shoulder/ forearm.

You do this by moving slowly towards her (remember if f she backs away you would lean out again and give her space.)

Again you'd want to gradually increase how close you're getting to her, then tilt your head and look from her eyes to her lips to communicate that you want to kiss her.

Reason: To communicate that you want to kiss her. This shouldn't be a surprise to a girl!

Hopefully, if you use these six steps to sexy strokes as guidance you'll get your touch abilities down, stop being the friend, and start being the guy girls want to kiss.

To gain feedback in a safe, professional environment as to how you're coming across to women then check out my Hayley Quinn Club and start getting direct feedback and practice from real women.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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